I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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