I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
