if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
