just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
