college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
