Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
