I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
