can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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