I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
