I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The ass gains better be worth it
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