True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
