and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
