You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
