Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
