When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
