He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
