you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
