if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
