Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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