I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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