I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize