No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
