Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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