I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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