my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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