The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
