I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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