i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
