My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
