we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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