Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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