I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
