Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
