okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
