Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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