Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
