Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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