I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
