i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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