Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
