"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
