Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
