he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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