Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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