I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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