i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
