Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
