it hurts more in the daytime
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i think i just lost a toe
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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