Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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