Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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