So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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