I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
