I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
