Ambien. No doubt about it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
