I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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